February 2012
5 posts
You know what I’m afraid of? To lose what I’m holding dear. It’s entirely possible, and it scares the hell out of me. I want everything to stay the same, exactly the same when I come back, but that’s impossible. I want the same people, with the same drama, the same talk of the town, the same joyous confidence that made us cocky, that made us the center of attention,...
I miss the heat of the moment, I miss the lifestyle, I think I might even love the deadly boil of your days. Saigon, Saigon. I’ll always hold you dear. Despite the fucked up political views, despite the desperation of a passerby’s destitute, I love you. You are austere, you are generous. You are wonderfully fucked. So are the rest of us. You are the cradle of the best of my time, you...
January 2012
3 posts
What am I to do? Retaining a simple crush, or going for the primal needs? Never before had I such options. Now I know how difficult it is, making a choice. What’s right, or what feels right? You’re great, you’re a wonderful person. I’m not. I’m not going to start anything with anyone apart from you, but if they make a move first, please don’t give me shit....
There’s that moment of weakness, and then I’m awake. I knew it all along. You try to be mysterious, but you’re plain. We only know what they want us to know; trust is scarce.
Another year has passed. Yes, I’m one of those who reflect on their year and post a whole lengthy, boring post about it.
2011 breezed by. So many things happened. I learnt. I grew. I scarred. It’s all a part of life.
I finally learnt to let go. I learnt that sometimes love alone is not enough. My knowledge of the power of honesty and trust is reaffirmed. I moved away from home, from...
December 2011
10 posts
The girls, they grew up. The boys, they, too, grew up. On and on we surf, we ride the waves of time. Blissfully, but not entirely. Hurt, but not entirely. There they are, the next line, the siblings, the youngsters, the continual; so close, yet so far. Time, slow down. I want to stay young, for just a little bit more.
“Can we just go back and stay young? Just like that, the way we were. Just like...”
– December 17th 2011.
All this time, I convinced myself to believe there was nothing palpable, only swift desires and blood-driven flesh. There was more, after all. There was some meaning to the hurt, to the insecurities, and to the denial. I sent my anger away. I gave up on thoughts of being special. I toughened myself up, without actually knowing how. I kept quiet. I stayed true. Instinctively, I made myself...
So cute.
So cute, so cute, so cute. :”)
Oh please, don’t give me that crap. Don’t tell me I’m cold-hearted when I finally came to realize there is a world out of you and me. Don’t you dare tell me I did not try hard enough. Don’t give me your excuses, your promises. Your words are treacherous; your criticism, abstract. We won’t be that way ever again, so don’t go there. Let’s just live...
“I should stop entertaining myself with thoughts of revenge.”
“For one to be happy, another must despair.”
– 12/06/11
November 2011
8 posts
And so I try, I try, and I try. The heart grows cold. The heart grows needless. I just want to feel. I just want to feel.
Growing out of each other. Growing up. I suppose we’re just different people in different places. Should not judge, you and I, we’re just different people. I feel like it’s not fair. I want what everyone wants. I’m not angry, I’m trying to stay sane. I’m trying to make it through the day without crying out loud. I’m just going to smoke a cigarette and not...
“Disconnected.”
It’s been a long day. This should be over soon. Some good and some bad. Aren’t everything. I’m frustrated by the fact that my style and ideas regarding graphic design are obsolete. Not good enough. It’s all right. It’s all right. It’s all right. Let’s just smoke another cigarette and forget about it.
If you miss me, call me. If you need me, touch me. If you care, come to me. No complicated recipes. No lengthy directions. It is as easy as that.
Is this lonesomeness, or is this the need for companion? It taunts my nights, derives me of serendipity at daytime. I’m trying to find something, reach out to someone. I want that warmth, but not the connection. I want that pleasure, but not the desire. I want that touch, but not the electricity. Ashamed are my attributes, they don’t measure up. Ashamed are my desires, they...
October 2011
6 posts
I long for the easy, effortless fun. I had fun. I had great friends. We burnt through the days, the dawns, the cigarettes. We burnt like that bonfire by the beach at sunrise, smouldering, carelessly everlasting. I don’t want to lose anything, anyone. Let me get this one right, please. If only things were to stay just that. Easy. Effortless. Even mindless. Oh the many struggles. Let us...
Older folks and their arguments. Relationships that are always on the verge of falling out. Why did I come back here for? The rumbles of agitation. Oh how they struggle, they groan, they exhaust one another. So much for love. Hold on to the memories, hold tight. Or else things will just slip away. Like a thoughtless cloud. Like falling water. Your tears. Apologies for all the clichés. Once again,...
I shall eat less...
I must eat less.
It’s a strange feeling, yet so familiar. To be unanchored, not cared for, not tended to. How ironic, how fun. I’m not complaining, I just find it sad how life pulled us apart. Fought so hard, got so far. Apparently not far at all. I drift through days now, I find it meaningless now, I miss what I had, I miss how I used to fight for something, Is it my fault I couldn’t try...
I am stranded in troubled waters. Sometimes all will fade into a simple inside joke. Sometimes, intensity hang in the air like dead weights. Most of the time I don’t know what to do, it is incredibly draining. Not my problem to solve. Not my story to tell. Not my pain to feel. Why do I take it in all the same?
Dear, it’s funny, How do you only care when it has crashed and burnt. I still think of you, I do. What we had was true; what we had was pure. That’s all I can say on the matter. Let’s just forgive one another. We’ve both wronged. We were both hurt. I’m not asking you to forget, I’m not trying to forget anything. It was magical back then, but now we’re...
September 2011
1 post
So,
Things have changed.
Officially.
What is there to say?
Lines are blurred.
I tried, no, fuck that, I let go.
Will I be sorry? Perhaps.
Will I be hurt? Doubt it.
I try not to think so much, doesn’t resolve anything. Let’s just go with the flow, shall we?
August 2011
10 posts
95/1460
It now comes the point where I have to remind myself to think of you. We haven’t talked in so long. I still feel that hole, sucking away the life of all things. I would feel complete for a few moments, and then, then life’s a bunch of unconnected hours again.
90/1460
Cùng chiều tàn ngẩn ngơ bên góc trời Và ta nhớ em Nhớ ngày xa, Nhớ tiếng em cười Còn đâu vui tươi Đêm cuốn đi Giờ em mang những dấu yêu khi xưa đi khuất màu Đánh mất Mãi chờ ngày đó có em bên đời Để tay giữ nhau Níu ngày xanh đấy Ôi sao xa xôi Đêm cuốn đi Giờ em mang những dấu yêu khi xưa đi khuất màu Đánh mất Thầm lặng đợi em vào với mây trôi Chỉ thêm chút thôi Chút hương ngời ...
83/1460
… I suppose I overreacted and made rash judgments. Hee. I have the best.
82/1460
And things change. I can’t write of beautiful things anymore. I can’t buy into these words we shared. Worthless. It is the same for everybody else huh, nothing is special or sacred. I am merely one who walk among those who have passed through your life. Foolish of me to think we were different; naive of me to demand complete devotion. This, it alters my rough faith in this...
81/1460
I don’t trust you. Now, I am not strong enough to let you go. So well done, aren’t you? Crafted and honed. I can’t even. This is bullshit. This is the wake up call.
70/1460
There’s fun, but there’s no joy.
“Here I am, training myself to not expect anything from you. You’re just...”
– 68/1460
“I laugh often so I suppose I’m gonna be fine.”
– Meg and Dia, “Here, Here, and Here.” (via quote-book) 58/1460
67/1460
Tell me, my dearest, of the thousand things we could be. Remind me of the fire we ignited, the passion, the desires that burned us to the core. Show me, show me your heart, show me your pain. Let me know you’re true. Give me your soul. I want everything. Your absence keeps me up at night, I can barely hold myself together, alone or accompanied. Love, Love, I’m doing this for love,...
July 2011
6 posts
1 tag
57/1460
And we grow used to not seeing each other, not communicating, not being together in general. And I hope that this is us, growing up, just not completely dwelled into each other. I hope we won’t be distanced in the same mean that distance is keeping us apart. I hope this is maturity, this is certainty that we can make it independently, not forgetting, not letting go, not falling away. I...
51/1460
I tell myself that if anybody else did what you did, they’d be long gone. They would. But you’re not. That’s it right now. Fucking hell.
41/1460
Tuổi trẻ không được bi luỵ! Yêu đương là cái đéo gì đâu.
36/1460
There are times when I am certain of our destination, our determination. There are times when I am merely a bewildered unbeliever. What am I to say? What am I to do? Words are liquified, words are fruitless. How can I hold on to something that is so amorphous, so inconsistent, so capricious? I let myself search for a reason to speak out; guess what, there are none. So I keep twisting and...
June 2011
13 posts
1 tag
28/1460
Betrayal is swift, is sweet, is fearful. Like a sound thief, taking my breath away. I realize this may be the last straw. After neglect, after desolation, Deceit. This is the one thing I can’t bear. And I’m not going to. What will tomorrow hold? Shall it be paved with lies or, finally, a strand of the truth? Either way, it will be beneficial for me. Your lies won’t waste my...