Our Secret Dialogues In My Head

What am I to do? 

Retaining a simple crush, or going for the primal needs?
Never before had I such options. Now I know how difficult it is, making a choice.

What’s right, or what feels right?

You’re great, you’re a wonderful person.
I’m not.

I’m not going to start anything with anyone apart from you, but if they make a move first, please don’t give me shit.
I’m totally talking about it like it’s going to happen. 

Anyways, I like you. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter for now.
I’ll get over it tomorrow. 


So fucking fucking cute. Super adorable. /sigh.
I wish you’d just tell me before, even though it wouldn’t have worked.  
I’m going to shut up now. 

There’s that moment of weakness, and then I’m awake. 
I knew it all along.
You try to be mysterious, but you’re plain.
We only know what they want us to know; trust is scarce.   

Another year has passed. Yes, I’m one of those who reflect on their year and post a whole lengthy, boring post about it.

2011 breezed by. So many things happened. I learnt. I grew. I scarred. It’s all a part of life. 

I finally learnt to let go. I learnt that sometimes love alone is not enough. My knowledge of the power of honesty and trust is reaffirmed. I moved away from home, from all I really knew. I know now how much of a bitch I am, how selfish I really am, how biased. But it’s all fine. It’s been a great year.

So, cheers to this new year, with a hangover.

Keep drinking, keep rocking. 

The girls, they grew up. 
The boys, they, too, grew up.
On and on we surf, we ride the waves of time.
Blissfully, but not entirely. Hurt, but not entirely. 
There they are, the next line, the siblings, the youngsters, the continual; so close, yet so far.

Time, slow down.
I want to stay young, for just a little bit more. 

All this time, I convinced myself to believe there was nothing palpable, only swift desires and blood-driven flesh. There was more, after all.
There was some meaning to the hurt, to the insecurities, and to the denial. 
I sent my anger away. I gave up on thoughts of being special. I toughened myself up, without actually knowing how. I kept quiet. I stayed true. Instinctively, I made myself guarded, walled. 

Thank you, for letting me know.
Thank you, for showing me my strength, without speaking of it bluntly.
Thank you, most of all, for the honesty.
Not many people have given me that, especially him who I once depended on the most.

I know I can make it through these hard times.
I know I deserve something more than what has passed.

Let us keep driving, and let us proceed together, accompanied. 

So cute.

So cute, so cute, so cute. :”)

Oh please, don’t give me that crap. 
Don’t tell me I’m cold-hearted when I finally came to realize there is a world out of you and me.
Don’t you dare tell me I did not try hard enough.
Don’t give me your excuses, your promises.
Your words are treacherous; your criticism, abstract.
We won’t be that way ever again, so don’t go there.
Let’s just live and let die, because that’s all we can do.
Hold your head high, and keep fighting.
We’ve lost this fight, but that is a fight that can’t be won. We’re too different. It’s too hard.
Perhaps it’s me. I once claimed I won’t let go until you beg me to stop. But I’m sorry. What’s done is done. I learnt that we are not meant to be, after all.
I’m sorry it’s so hard.
Now hold your head up high and fight the rest of the battle against the world, just by yourself. 

And so I try, I try, and I try. 
The heart grows cold. The heart grows needless.
I just want to feel. I just want to feel. 

Growing out of each other. Growing up. 
I suppose we’re just different people in different places.
Should not judge, you and I, we’re just different people.
I feel like it’s not fair. I want what everyone wants. I’m not angry, I’m trying to stay sane. I’m trying to make it through the day without crying out loud. I’m just going to smoke a cigarette and not make it a big deal. I’m going to keep myself together and not crumble under peer pressure, or am I succumbing to it in this very moment? 
My dad should be proud, that’s all I’m going to say. He should be very grateful.