Our Secret Dialogues In My Head

Hell, just stay out of sight, can you? 
You are irresistible and unreachable at the same time, and smart too. 

Hell, just stay out of sight, can you? 

Finally?

Finally. 

Going,
going,
gone.


Goodbye, my once-beloved.
Oh dear, how nice am I to you now?
Pfft.
Goodbye, for good. I’m slightly nostalgic right now, but it’s part of parting with your possession. It did not burn, so I believe.
I’m me, and you’re you. This is the only probable picture, we had a good run, I’m not bitter, I’m not sad, I’m happy you’re happy.
That is all.  

Is this lonesomeness, or is this the need for companion?
It taunts my nights, deprives me of serendipity at daytime.
I’m trying to find something, reach out to someone. I want that warmth, but not the connection. I want that pleasure, but not the desire. I want that touch, but not the electricity.
Ashamed are my attributes, they don’t measure up.
Ashamed are my desires, they aren’t passionate.
I don’t need to feel, I just need to be.
Let it be.

Blog, I grant myself the right to rant as much as I please.

It suffices to say I’m not a nice person, more like I’m a closeted bitch. 
In the wise, wise words of my best friend, “Oh wellz.”

Yes, I’m not calling you. Yes, you were terribly inexperienced. Yes, I don’t have the time or patience to coach anybody.
I do feel bad for you, but I feel worse for myself (refer to the precedent statement before calling me names, as I already did). 
I don’t want (or need) someone who constantly seeks affirmation from me. Conversely, I don’t seek incessant praise from anybody. I don’t need (or want) anybody to search and attempt to fix my insecurities; I know what I am, I know what I am not, I don’t need you to compliment me only to advocate your sensitivity. I am on a negator’s path: experience to discover what I don’t want, and work from there onward.
So, the bottom line is, I don’t need you. 
Let me elaborate: I want someone who challenges me intellectually and physically; I want something that is novel, something that enthralls me, something I believe is worthy to entrust the power to simultaneously despair and elevate me.
I’ve given few that power, and I have not yet regretted any of it. Though I can overreact and be excessively negative about past relationships, time has allowed me to regain a balanced perspective, and again I stress that I don’t regret a single thing.

Without an ounce of egotism, I am going to acknowledge that I surprised myself with recent insight regarding past, present, and potential affiliations. It boils down to the fact that more than ever, I know what I do not want (I’m still young, so I suppose I should add thus far).
Thank you, for the experience, and never again.   

  

Another day, another night.
What can I say about my current life without repeating myself?
The sun shines and the clouds rain; I work, I play, I joke around, I sleep: everything follows this pattern, this unchangeable cycle of being, this boredom.

Another day, another night. 
I wish I can write something beautiful. 

Life lesson #1, #2, & #3

It’s the first time I’ve realized I hurt someone, that I am capable of doing so, and doing so without a proper reason. 
It’s the first time I’ve made a decision for the better good, accepted loss, and consequently become a more mature person.  
It’s the first time I’ve admitted that I can’t just breeze through life without giving my best effort and expect everything to go my way. 

I feel a deep connection to things, data, photos, as do most people. It’s hard parting from memories, especially involuntarily. My brain, my mind is not enough. I need, I thought I need proof that things did take place, photos and videos to remind me of the little things.
So I’m going to try to change, little by little. (Emphasis on try.) 

Cheerios.

Finally getting my shit together again. 
Oh how I’ve missed this feeling.
Life’s good.

I miss my people so much. 
We’re going to rule the city, I promise you. We’re going to annoy people and be our obnoxious selves. We’re going to have fun, so much fun.
Bitches be hatin’, bitches be jelly.

 

Let me measure your thighs, and analyze how your hair falls on your face. 
Let me examine your skin, your scars, the fat that lies supposedly awkwardly, supposedly unattractively on your hips. 
Let me tell you if you’re enticing, if you’re appealing.
Let me determine your worth, let me perpetuate cruel judgments and announce your score.
You are going to sit, comply, and believe in everything I say. You are going to gloat, despair, or rejoice at my command, because you are insecure, insignificant, and too damn submissive.